Facebook Investigation - FBI parody

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Facebook - The National ID System

 
Ensuring the Integrity of Facebook User Profiles  

Connecting the dots - FBI parody

Exaggerated. Superfluous. Incomplete.

All ugly terms that are part of an ongoing investigation of Americans' Facebook accounts.

Pursuant to the "Strategy to Secure Facebook as the National ID System" signed by the President, the Department of Homeland Security's Facebook Investigation agency leads the national effort to ensure the integrity of Facebook accounts.

With the cunning U.S. acquisition of Facebook comes the staggering responsibility of ensuring the veracity of existing Facebook profiles. Our dedicated agents are up for the job.

Profile Examination

The first step of this onerous process is to thoroughly examine each information-rich Facebook profile. Known associates or "friends" will be run through the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) for background checks.

Our state-of-the-art imaging systems will compare the existing Facebook profile photo to the current state DMV driver license photo on file. The system will automatically replace an existing profile photo with the DMV mug shot if the photo variance beta exceeds .038.

Some Facebook profiles are notoriously known for their missing information. Birthdates, Education, and Employment information will be added or corrected as needed. Height and weight information will also be added to each profile.

Information pertaining to Facebook Groups, Fan Pages, and Applications will be examined, noted, and may in some cases be passed along to other federal agencies, if deemed appropriate.

National ID System

Once all existing Facebook profiles have been verified, attention will be turned toward Americans who are not currently listed in Facebook. For this group, Facebook profiles will be automatically created based on known information. For security purposes, data entered into Facebook by this automated method cannot be manually edited by individuals.

Facebook profiles will become the system-of-record for each citizen. Tax records, gun registrations, bankruptcies, medical records, and other personal data will be tied to individual accounts.

The ultimate success of converting Facebook accounts for use as a National ID System is dependent upon the accuracy of the data. Anyone with any information regarding deficient Facebook profiles is urged to contact your local Facebook Investigation office.

 
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