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Citizen Data Warehouse

NSA Creates Citizen Data Warehouse System


In October 2008, the United States government invested $125 billion in nine of the largest US banks: Citigroup, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Wells Fargo, Bank of New York Mellon, State Street, and Merrill Lynch. Another $125 billion was invested in some smaller banks around the country. This was all part of the massive government rescue of the financial system.

NSA data mining facility in San Antonio Texas - parody

As a major stakeholder in these banks, the US government took control over certain aspects of their operations.

The primary benefit of this new relationship has been the close integration of each bank's credit card processing system with the NSA's new 470,000-square-foot data mining facility in San Antonio.

NSA Citizen Data Warehouse System

The new Citizen Data Warehouse System (CDWS) will create a comprehensive database containing detailed information about each U.S. citizen. Since the vast majority of all U.S. credit card transactions will be fed through this new system, the depth of information will be unparalleled. Intelligent routing of this citizen data throughout the inter-connected computer systems of various federal agencies will provide citizens a new level of service from the federal government.

Let's say you purchase an airline ticket for an international destination using a credit card. A copy of this transaction will be forwarded to the new NSA data mining facility in San Antonio and then transmitted to various federal agencies. If there are any travel advisories for your destination, you will be automatically notified by the State Department. Should some sort of natural disaster strike while you are on your trip, the local US embassy will already have your contact information. If there are any health concerns regarding your destination, the Center for Disease Control will email you in advance regarding recommended vaccinations. Plus, the FAA will contact you on the day of your trip if there are any expected air traffic delays.

This new Consumer Data Warehouse System promises to provide a whole new level of government service to the American People.

Citizen Data Collected, Analyzed, and Routed by the NSA

The information-sharing possibilities are endless. Personally identifiable credit card transaction data for:

- Groceries and medications will be routed to the Food and Drug Administration
- Alcohol and cigarette purchases will be routed to the National Institutes of Health
- Battery, light bulb, and gasoline purchases will be routed to the Department of Energy
- Children's books and video purchases will be routed to the Department of Education
- Children's toys and appliances to the Consumer Product Safety Commission
- Cell phone, radio, and walkie talkie purchases will be routed to the FCC
- Hunting rifles and fishing rods will be routed to the Department of the Interior
- And everything else will be routed to the Department of Justice for safekeeping

NSA Utah Data Center - Other Data Collection Initiatives

In an effort to provide even better government services, the NSA has developed special software that unobtrusively collects important information about American consumers in their homes and offices.

While we prefer not to use the term "Flame virus", this data collection program is designed to remotely control common computer functions such as logging keyboard strokes, activating computer microphones and cameras, taking computer screen shots, extracting geolocation data from images, downloading personal files, and sending and receiving commands and data through Bluetooth wireless technology. To reduce the impact on our citizens, the remote data collection program can be periodically embedded in routine operating system software updates. This information will be transmitted for processing and storage in our new $2 billion NSA data center in Bluffdale, Utah.


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The men and women of the Domestic Surveillance Directorate, together and individually, act for one thing and one thing alone ... WE ACT FOR THE GOOD OF THE NATION.